Machu Picchu via Salkantay

Right-o. Machu Picchu, the whole point of coming to South America. The Lost City of the Incas. The MacDaddy of Precolombian ruins.

So before I even got on the plane at Heathrow I thought: how can I make this as difficult as possible to prove to myself and others that I am truly li hi ('hardcore' for all those not fluent in mandarin) and should replace Demi Moore in the remake of GI Jane? And the Lonely Planet, which has otherwise been entirely useless to me, told me of the legendary SALKANTAY trail and I said YES, I will pit myself against this mighty SALKANTAY and we will see who is greater and which of us has more STRENGTH and PERSEVERENCE.

And to keep me warm, the nice lady at the travel agents gave me a feather sleeping bag and feather jacket and a pair of sexy waterproof clown trousers. Nice. And I vowed to wear the same clothes (other than underwear) for four whole days and then dress up nicely for Machu Picchu, but I didn't have space in my bag so I had to wear the same clothes all the time apart from once I changed my t-shirt.

So on the first day I got picked up at 4:30am and slept on an apparently very scary bus drive to Mollepata where I woke up and met my team: 3 Americans, 3 Dutchies, 3 Frenchies, a Quebecoise, 1 Brit, 1 Japanese, 1 German and 2 Aussies. All very nice people. So off we went, and the first day was hard because first days always are because in my mind I think THIS WAS A MISTAKE, I READ BOOKS FOR A LIVING. But I remained in good spirits and quickly found my rightful position almost-at-the-back. Scenery on the first day was beautiful and camp was at the foot of the mighty SALKANTAY, which was cold. However, we did arrive before it began chucking it down with rain.

Next day we woke up at 5am and were walking by 6am through a cloud that had sat down on the mountain, completely obscuring any sort of view. We were walking from 3800m to 4600m so it was slow going - fifty metres at a time and then a rest, then another fifty metres. One of our Aussie boys, One Lung Thompson, who has a history of pneumonia was struggling so, being the team player I am, I walked the last half an hour with him, encouraging him from rock to rock so he didn't get too demoralised. But he was a trooper and the whole team made it and had a cheeky shot of rum at the top, which was well needed since the descent, although slightly euphoric, bordering on hysterical happiness at having done the hardest bit and CONQUERED the mighty Salkantay, saw the cloud break and all of us got soaked to the skin, waterproof or no waterproof. Note: waterproofs are never waterproof, only shower proof.

Snotty-nosed, we walked through some Highland-type scenery, crossed some rivers to get over my fear (I made everyone go before me) and then walked out into cloud forest where I snuck off to relieve myself and was almost discovered by some horsemen coming the other way. Whoops.

At camp the cooks nearly burnt the thatched cook hut down and I almost saved everyone's life by saying: GET OUT, EVERYONE OUT NOW! I also had a moment with my dear, dear camera which, since it is made by Samsung, has broken down and can only be opened if you grab the lense with a pair of tweezers and pull it out. What a mess. I was so happy when I finally got it to work though because I didn't think I'd be able to get any photos of Machu Picchu.

Day three we went on a bear hunt through some very deep mud that made some excellent noises. That was up a very steep hill too, to a beautiful viewpoint, and then we went down again, had a snack with some turkeys and piglets (with, not of), and then caught a bus when we reached the road to Santa Teresa. And, get this. THEY LET US SIT ON THE TOP OF THE BUS! Best way to travel on a skinny gorge-side road with cloud forest flying past, ducking to avoid low hanging branches. So beautiful!

At Santa Teresa we went to the thermal baths where we made a human pyramid. A fateful human pyramid that resulted in me being EATEN ALIVE by bugs. And this isn't a joke. Both legs swelled up with about 40 bites each, big red welts, which tightened up my skin and radiated heat like sunburn and itched like nothing has ever itched before. So walking for the next few days was stiff, but I am Li Hi and did not complain, but rather revelled in the grossness of the fact that I looked like I'd caught the pox.

After a monkey had pooed in one of our Dutch boy's pocket, we took the bus on day four to the beginning of an active train track where, of course, we walked the whole day on the track, jumping into the undergrowth every now and then when Peru Rail passed by. Flat walking, but difficult because we were stepping between irregular sleepers which messed up any walking rhythmn and made everything a bit awkward. I therefore decided to risk breaking an ankle and walk the whole way on the actual track supported by two big sticks with which to make me walk better, but I got stick shoulder and gave up after about half an hour.

We arrived at Aguas Calientes, the town next to Machu Picchu in the early afternoon and our guide Victor immediately said: who wants to climb a mountain? Now I will admit, at this point my legs felt like lead and I thought, definitely not me you crazy Peruvian man, but that would have been weak and cheating and girly so after twenty minutes of dying on a hostel bed I got up and climbed up an 80º incline, scrambling over rocks and up ladders drilled into the rocks and steps carved into the rocks. Obviously I was happy because there were steps. The whole point was that there was an alternative view of MP which was pretty cool.

On our final day, we got up at 3:30am to climb some more STEPS in the dark, and that was probably the hardest part. Trying to pick my legs up was a big effort, especially as they were still red and swollen. But getting to the top (and having another celebratory shot of rum at 5am) was the best feeling ever, and we were all in time to get tickets to Waynapichu, another mountain that we obviously wanted to climb after four days of doing nothing but climbing mountains.

Machu Picchu really is as amazing as everybody says it is and there's no way to describe it - I just wouldn't do it justice. The only way to appreciate it is to go yourselves so everyone get yourselves over to Peru! It's so beautiful, and we were so lucky to (eventually) have a clear day.

To finish off, Michael, Poonam and I walked back to Aguas Calientes in the rain and had a very long lunch with cocktails that went straight to our head. We then almost missed the train back, and decided to finish the rum and try to make the day a 24 hour celebration of our achievement and even though I remember very little, I think we might have made it!

LI HI!